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WELCOME TO “A LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. HAPPY TO BE HERE. HAPPY… TUESDAY, I THINK? IT IS TUESDAY. GOOD. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, SIR. I DON’T ALWAYS KNOW. I’M SO GRATEFUL THAT I’M STILL ABLE TO DO A SHOW FOR YOU GUYS AND FOR ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WATCHING, ONE ASSUMES.

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-Today is April Fools’ Day, the only holiday dedicated to destroying the trust of your loved ones. Now, I’m convinced my team is going to prank me, and, y’all, I’m terrified. Truly, I’m sweating. Seriously, though, I don’t know what’s in store for tonight’s episode. They wouldn’t even let me rehearse it. I’m reading everything

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[ Beep ] -Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard — aah! -I’ve been a teacher for many years, and I’ve never seen such a fuzzy child. -Well, we just finished processing your tests, and unfortunately, the results are swirling. -We’re live on this beautiful, funky night from the historic Hong Kong Phooey Stadium. Hi,

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( cackling and clamoring ) AW, THIS LOSER’S GOIN’ DOWN. YEAH, YEAH. I GOT IT RIGHT ON HIS NOSTRIL. ( bomb flying ) ( bang ) HEY CHUMAROONIES, MAKE ROOM FOR THE “BLANKSTER”. HEY, JERRI. KNOCK KNOCK. WHO’S THERE ? YOU’RE A FAT UGLY PIG ! CATCH YOU GUYS LATER. ( whistle and explosions )

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– Can you tell the story, Anya, Anya, your mom is Russian, she comes from the motherland, the mothership, Russia. (laughs) – Right? I was doing an Andrew Collin there. So she comes from Russia. – (foreign language) – Your dad met her in Russia. – Yes. – He got her to move to the

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-Go. ♪♪ Hi, everyone. Welcome to “The Tonight Show: At Home Edition.” I want to thank Franny and Winnie for being the music. Thank you guys so much. Gary the dog is here. We’re all good. Alright, that’s good. That’s perfect. That’s great. Thank you. That’s perfect. Winnie drew this. Thank you very much, Winnie.

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Yo, Roy! What’s goin’ on? – Yeah. Yo. How’s it goin’ over there, man? – I’ve missed your face, man. This is fun. – I’m all right, man. I’m doin’ okay over here. My three-year-old flushed a full bar of soap down the toilet, so for about 14 hours we didn’t have nowhere to take

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